Kids have an active imagination and pretend they are many things throughout their life. It’s completely natural and how they learn and explore who they are. My youngest son went through a period of thinking he was half girl. If that were to happen now, I would be encouraged to put him on hormone blockers until he decided what gender he wants to be. Thankfully, things were more reasonable back then and he just got to explore some of the things girls do.
I’ll never forget the day Ben told me he was half girl. We were at the store looking at the princess Spaghetti O’s that were on sale for $0.50 a can. I had 6 boys to feed and that was quite a bargain. I wasn’t sure if I bought them though if they would eat them, after all they were princess shaped. I looked at Ben, who was 6 at the time, and asked him if he would eat them. He looked at me and said, “I sure would, I’m half girl anyway.” My ears perked up a bit, I smiled at him and said, “Oh are you?” He smiled back at me with his heart melting smile and we just went on our way.
A few days later the movie Brave came out and Ben begged me to take him to see it. A few of his brothers teased him about wanting to see it because it was a “girls movie”, but Ben didn’t care. He just wanted to see that movie. He would go around the house quoting the lines from the commercials while trying to imitate Merida’s Scottish accent. It was the cutest thing you could ever hear. As movie day approached, Ben approached me and asked if he could paint his nails.
“Are you sure? It’s hard to get off and you have school tomorrow.” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I just have to take it off before I go to my dad’s.” he replied.
So his older sister painted his nails and I acted like it was completely normal and treated him like my little boy Ben. His brothers asked him why he wanted his nails painted, “It’s for girls.” But Ben just said he liked it.
Halloween rolls around and Ben insists on going as Merida. So I buy him the dress and wig. He didn’t want the earrings and necklace though. He was so excited! On Halloween night he proudly marched around in his costume not giving a shit what anyone thought.
As Christmas rolls around, he asked for all the Disney Princess dolls and a baby doll that you could feed and that asks for it’s mommy. I got him both along with some toys that are geared towards boys. He carried around those dolls every where he went. I praised him saying he was going to be such a great father.
Time marches on and he keeps wanting to paint his nails, buys a pastel purple unicorn pillow, and a Hello Kitty diary. But the whole time, I treated it like it was no big deal. I didn’t shame him for it, but I didn’t encourage it. And then one day, just as abruptly as it started, it stopped. He started going outside everyday to play football with some boys from school. He stopped playing with his Princess dolls and the baby doll and they fell to the bottom of the toy box, forgotten.
All of my kids went through some phase like this, Ben was the only one who said he was the opposite gender, but they all tested boundaries one way or another. The important part of the whole thing is to not go overboard and try to sway them one way or another. The whole point is to let them explore and find out who they are on their own. If you try to push one way, kids naturally will try to push back whether they really feel that way or not. Kids naturally want to rebel against you and all authority. If they have nothing to rebel against they are more able to think clearly and understand themselves better. If I would have told Ben that it was wrong to think he was a girl, I would be telling him to not trust his feelings or that his feelings are wrong. He could have grown up feeling ashamed and unsure of himself. If I swayed the other way and pushed him to be a girl, he could have made a decision based on my behavior and not his own wants or needs. Our jobs as parents is to guide our kids to who they are, not mold them into what we want them to be. It’s hard to let go of control, but if you give your kids the right foundation from the beginning you have nothing to worry about. An acorn does not fall far from the mighty oak.