I woke up this morning in my typical melancholy mood. I immediately wanted to start crying. These last few months have been some of the hardest I have had to endure. Life changes, financial issues, the job change, that combined with the car theft and attempted break in have pushed me to the brink. I honestly feel the worst I have felt in years.
So, I forced myself out of bed and got my coffee and did a quick work out. One of the most valuable lessons my parents taught was to keep going no matter how shitty I feel. Feelings pass…moods go away…and it’s pointless to dwell on the misery. Focusing on the negative leads to feelings of helplessness which leads to a victim mentality and I am no victim.
I start my usual mantras in my head, “I am OK, I feel ok, and I will make it through this.” In this moment, it doesn’t feel like I will survive, everything feels insurmountable. I’m tired and beaten down.
But I look back and remember everything I have been through and realize that if I just keep moving forward, the darkness does pass. Things are not hopeless.
Back in 2002, I went through one of the worst periods of my life. I spent 3-4 months in a constant state of anxiety. I was so anxiety ridden I spent my days pacing my house. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t shower without someone being in the bathroom with me, I could not leave my house to go to the store, I could not care for myself or my children. I felt like a failure and a horrible parent. I was absolutely a non functioning human crippled by anxiety.
I don’t know what happened, but one day I woke up and said to myself, “I can not do this anymore. I have to get better for my children.” So, I started the long arduous process of taking my life back. Each day I opened the front door, terrified, and took a step out the door. I told myself, just one more step, take one more step and you can turn around. Take one more step and then you can turn around and go back to the house…over and over I said that to myself. Day after day. And eventually I was at the car. I got in the car, trembling, wanting to vomit in fear….
I forced myself to start the car and started driving to the store. To combat the anxiety attacks I hyper focused on license plates, reading them out loud to myself all the while gripping the steering wheel in terror, but in my head I was saying, “Just one more mile Mellony. One more mile and you can turn around and go home”.
I should have been so proud of myself when I eventually made it to the store, but all I felt was excruciating anxiety. I wasn’t sure I could handle all the people. I put my kids in the cart and focus on my baby sitting in the front and again tell myself, “Just one more step and you can go home, just one more step.” In the store, the people were absolutely overwhelming, but I stayed focused on my son in the cart and tell myself, “just one more item, just one more aisle and you can go home.”
I usually could handle that because I could keep moving and movement kept the anxiety at a tolerable level. The absolute worst part was standing in line though. I tried swaying back and forth, but the feelings of anxiety got too intense and there were times that I had to leave a cart full of items without buying them because I couldn’t stand still long enough. I had to run away. After a period of time, though, it got to the point where I could stand in line and purchase everything I intended. There was still that underlying feeling of dread, but I figured out how to cope with it all. I fought tooth and nail through something many people would let overcome them.
I look at my current burdens and know that I have been through worse. I know that my spirit is tenacious and unstoppable. I know that all I have to do is take one more step. Just one more step Mellony…you can do it.