As most of you know, I have 8 children. And before any of you ask: Yes. I know what causes them, I gave birth to all of them, and no, I’m not Catholic or Mormon. I didn’t set out to have a large family, it just turned out that way and I couldn’t be happier.
Now, it was no easy feat to raise them all and I was full of so much self doubt and insecurities that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. Because of this, I just followed my dads lead on a lot of things. The three most important values I learned from my dad to pass on to my kids were privacy, trust, and property rights.
Privacy and property rights were paramount while I was growing up. My dad NEVER entered my room if I was not home and when I was in my room and he wanted to come in, he knocked on my door and asked permission to come in. And in turn, I gave him the same courtesy. My parents never looked through my backpack, room, or drawers, etc. If something was mine, my parents took the position that they had no right to trespass on it without my consent.
I did the same thing with my kids. I never went through their stuff without permission, even as young children. I never took toys away when they misbehaved. I never told them, “this is my house and I’ll do what I want”. I built trust and respect with them and in turn they reciprocated. I made sure they knew what I expected from them and they lived up to those expectations.
Something my parents didn’t have to contend with was smart phones and the internet. I see and read about parents taking phones away, reading their kids texts, and monitoring what they watch on their phones and the internet. It annoys the crap out of me.
Call me naive or stupid, but I never did any of that. I gave each of my kids a phone at the age of 12 and I never touched it, took it away or read their texts. I approached it like I did with anything else: I gave it to you freely with no strings attached. My gifts to you are not dependent on how you act or how well you listen to me. My children also knew that my expectations of their behavior extended to their phone and if I found out they were being mean or disrespectful, we would have a talk about the ramifications and possible outcomes but I always left the ultimate decision up to them. Some may say that’s stupid, but I disagree. It empowers them. It tells them that I think they are smart enough to make their own decision and that I trust and believe in them. That bolsters their confidence. Also, when kids know you trust their judgement they want to make the right decision. Yeah, sometimes they don’t, they are human after all, but then they get the gift of learning from their mistake. And that is invaluable.
I never limited their screentime either. There were times that I was worried that they would spend too much time on their phone, but they honestly sorted it out themselves. Sure, when they first received their phone they were on it a lot, but it never lasted long. They always ended up outside riding their bikes or playing with friends. The best moment came when my youngest who was 14 at the time came to me and wanted me to hold his phone at night. He said he was spending too much time on Tik Tok and wanted me to keep his phone so he wouldn’t use the app. He eventually deleted the app all on his own because he felt he was “addicted”. What 14 year old do you know that would do that? I don’t think there are many.
My parenting style is non conventional…but I have amazing kids to show for it. So many people doubt their children’s decision making abilities and the kids know that. If you want to empower them, give them the freedom to makes their own choices and then let them learn from them. Let them be free, they won’t let you down.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask or if you’d like I could do a live stream with Q and A