I became a mother at the young age of 19. It was an unplanned pregnancy. I was married and my husband did not want the baby. I however did. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, something changed in me and my whole life became about my unborn baby. I read books and cut out anything that could potentially be harmful to the gift growing inside me. I eventually went on to give birth to 7 more children and my life revolved around them.
When they were infants, they stayed attached to me almost all the time. I was either holding them, breastfeeding them, or they were in a sling. When we slept, they slept on my chest or next to me in my bed. At times my husband would get mad at me and I would sleep on the couch so I could have my baby near me. I know the “experts” say that co sleeping is unsafe, but it seems so psychologically stressful to the child. They just spent the first 9 months of their existence inside my body, hearing all my body systems working, listening to my muffled voice and the voices of those around me. It seemed counter intuitive to put them in a bed so far away from me.
For the brief time they went to public school, I was active in PTA and was their home room captain. I planned their holiday parties and made sure I was there for every one of them. Two of my kids were in the Scouts. I was a Den Mother for my sons troop and regularly volunteered in my daughters girl scout troop. Once my kids hit middle school, they were homeschooled and we spent every day together going on learning adventures to the zoo and other places around our area.
I loved every single minute of being a mom. It gave my life purpose and made me feel like a whole person, that I was making a difference in the world. My kids were my entire life. I gave up who I was for them. After my second husband and I divorced, I chose not to actively pursue another relationship because I didn’t want them to get treated poorly by another man the way they were from their 2 fathers. Friends from work would invite me out and I would decline just because I couldn’t wait to get home and see my kids. I put off all the things I wanted to do just so I could be with them and follow their interests. Every single part of my life revolved around them. I would have told you that being a mom was the greatest gift a woman could ever be given. It was all I could hope for.
One by one, my kids all grew up and left the house as most children do. At first I thought it was a blessing. I was a single mom since 2013 and every child that moved out was one less mouth to feed. As time marched on, some kids came back for a few years, and others moved out and life continued to be a dream. I loved being with my kids. That’s all I wanted.
The time has come. however, where all of my kids are gone and I am left with nothing. My life feels like it has no meaning and is worthless. I have no purpose anymore. The intense pain in my chest is excruciating and unbearable. There is an agonizing void in my life that I can’t even articulate. Had I known this transition would have been this painful, I’m not so sure I would even have become a parent. All the moments in my life that I loved and enjoyed are gone and I can NEVER relive them. No more family vacations, no more sitting on the porch watching them play. No more late night talks, or early morning breakfasts. Everything that made my life meaningful and worth living are all distant, fading memories. What do I do now? Where do I go from here?
Every one says, “Your kids still need you”. Yes, they need to borrow money from me and to tell them if the meat they left out for a few extra hours is still ok to eat. But as each day goes by my role in their life is less and less significant and there is less need to talk to mom. I feel as though I am nothing but a shell of a person. People tell me that now is the time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do, but I don’t know what that is anymore. I spent the last 30 years being a parent, I don’t remember who I was and what I wanted. I’m not so sure I even care anymore.
I wake up each morning with no purpose, nothing that I am particularly looking forward to. I am just living my life as a drone. I go to work, dreading it. I get home and the silence is deafening. There is nothing here but loneliness and misery. I used to cook meals with multiple components, now its just a piece of meat. I see no point in doing anything else. I go one hikes and I do get some enjoyment from that, but I just want to show my kids and experience all this beauty with them. I go to the ocean, and for a few moments, I feel alive again. I send pics to my kids of all the beauty I see. Four to five hours later I get replies of, “Wow” or “Neat”.
I find myself becoming more and more bitter and angry at everything. I avoid
people because I am so negative and just downright not fun to be around. I just want my kids.
So, here I am at the crossroads. Here I am at this huge turning point in my life. I can continue on the path I am on, being angry and bitter. Or I can pick up the pieces and rise up and be an even better person. Stay tuned, because I have no idea which way this will turn out.
Here is my pennies worth... You are still important to your kids. The very fact they're independent is a credit to you. Having a parent is like having an vital internal organ you don't see or think about. But it's important to you and you would be devastated if it was gone. ( I know that sounds silly). They take you for granted because you are their rock. You have been there from day one.
I hope you feel better soon and find more purpose. Blessings to you. 🌹