As many of you know, I have 8 children. I have done my best to be a Peaceful, Free-Range parent. I chose this style by accident, meaning I didn’t set out to raise my kids this way. I evolved into this as I followed my intuition more and more and left what I learned from my parents behind. I was raised in an authoritarian household. We did what my dad said, when he said it and always left me feeling insignificant. There was no room for questioning. I hated that as a child and I never wanted my kids to feel that way. So instead of telling my kids what to do and expecting them to do it immediately, they had choices and all of us had to live with the consequences of these choices. Because of this, they got to learn first hand what their choices did to other people and themselves. It was a better learning experience than lectures and the “do what I say” mentality. We all learned a lot, together, which made us all closer and have more trust in each other.
It wasn’t all sunshine and roses. There were times where I felt completely overwhelmed and defeated. It’s hard trying to reason with a child and they don’t always see your point of view. But I plowed forward with my principles because I was always taught that principles guide us when life gets tough. Sure, I could take the easy way out and spank my child and say do what I say, but am I really teaching them anything except might makes right? Am I really doing anything except bullying them? Is that they type of relationship I wanted to have with my children? Parenting is hard and arduous and things that are worthwhile take time and patience. So I followed my intuition and stayed the course.
One particular situation really epitomizes my struggle and my short comings. My husband and I were in the process of getting a divorce. He insisted that our 2 youngest children go to public school despite my desire to homeschool them. I had homeschooled our older children through middle school, but he didn’t like the unschooling method I used.
My youngest son Ben was one of the hardest kids in the world to wake up in the morning for school. Every morning it was a struggle. I would start out very gentle by sitting by his bed, quietly saying Ben its time to get up. He would immediately get defiant and obstinate. But I just kept on with my gentle talk and just ignoring his defiance. But this would go on and on and he would eventually throw his pillow out of bed and thrash around angrily, screaming and yelling at me. It took everything I had in me to be patient and loving during all of this. Every morning I was at my whit’s end. I was ready to spank him every single morning. But he would eventually get up, we would hug, have a good morning and get off to school.
There would be the times when Ben would come up to me and apologize for his behavior. He would tell me how sorry he was for how stinky he acted and that he’s really trying to get up but he’s just tired and doesn’t want to go to school. We would then have a long conversation on how frustrating it is for me and that even though he didn’t want to go to school, it’s something he doesn’t have a choice in right now. He can continue to be miserable and loath it every day or find something he likes about it and focus on that. I would apologize to him for losing my temper and for a few days, things were easier for both of us. But eventually it went back to the temper tantrums in the morning and then the apologies a few days later.
One particular morning was a turning point in this constant struggle. I had just found out from my lawyer that my ex had told the judge that I am a danger to our children due to my struggles with anxiety and depression. This really shook me to the core, I was terrified of losing my children and it really didn’t make any sense. I had never even been hospitalized for any of my issues. I went to counseling and he had no problem leaving them with me when he was at work during our ENTIRE marriage, now all of a sudden when custody is at stake I’m a danger? So I was really trying to tow the line and make sure my kids got to school on time, every single day.
On this day, Ben was particularly defiant. He was throwing a temper tantrum like he had never done before and I was feeling so much pressure to be the perfect parent because of the recent accusations by my ex. It was ticking time bomb of a situation. Like always, I started out quiet and loving, but I lost my cool so fast that day.
I went into his room for what seemed like the millionth time that morning, sat by his bed, and said, “Ben, come on! You have to get up!” he opened his eyes and threw his pillow at me. It was at that moment, I had lost all control and screamed at him, “BEN GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP NOW!”
He opened his eyes, angrily got up, got ready for school and we drove to school in silence. I was so angry. I dropped him off, parked and thought about what just happened. How could I have lost my cool like that? How could I have just sent my son off to school after that situation? All I could think of was how shitty it is to start your day off with such an awful confrontation. How was that going to affect his entire day? I remember having mornings like that growing up and feeling like shit all day at school. I could not let that happen to my sweet little ben.
So, I shut my car off and walk to the office. I ask the secretary to get Ben for me. After a few minutes, Ben is in the office looking at me confused. I walked him out to the hall and hugged him. I apologized to him for losing my temper and tell him I love him. I also tell him that we will talk about what happened this morning later, but I wanted him to have a good day. He runs off to his class and I go home, feeling upset for the entire day.
Later that night, Ben and I talk about what happened and how inappropriate it was for him to throw a pillow at me. I let him know that it is ok to get mad but he can not lash out at people. He cried and apologized to me. We both made commitments to each other that we were going to do better. He was going to try his hardest to get up in the morning and I was going to work on controlling my temper. He could see how his behavior was fueling my temper.
I’m not going to lie and say everything was perfect after this, because it wasn’t. There were still stretches of time where he was impossible to get up, but they were less and less until he was getting himself up for school. We still struggled, but we understood each other more and there was a mutual respect.
Looking back, I regret losing my temper, but I do not regret apologizing and sticking to my peaceful parenting principles. I could have spanked him and forced him to comply, but I taught him a lesson in all of this. He learned conflict resolution. Our trust in each other grew because we worked through a situation together and made commitments to each other and followed through. My job as a parent isn’t to teach him to comply or die like I was taught. My job is to teach him to handle all the various situations that come up with reason and respect. And now I have a 17 year old son who has a level head on his shoulders, still tells me he loves me and when I’m feeling down sends me encouraging messages. Parenting is hard, it’s supposed to be. You are responsible for creating a functioning adult. But it is also one of the most rewarding experiences when you see the fruits of your hard work and sacrifices.
Below are some of the many sweet things Ben has sent me as a teenager.
He sent me this when I was struggling with the feeling like I can’t do anything right.