Doubt and Insecurity Will Get Me Everything
I have something i want to say. Its personal, but im not entirely sure how to say it. A man im friends with recently wrote me a letter and told me how much he enjoy my authenticity, so heres a huge dose of it. Its full of poor grammar and sentence structure.
10 years ago today, my second divorce was finalized, i weighed 320 pounds, i was raising 8 children, i had my first job in over 10 years working at the red cross making $1040 a month, and was on welfare. (I was a stay at home mom prior to this)
I hated myself, in fact, im pretty sure i hated myself my whole life. Even to this day, its hard for me to come up with positive attributes about myself. In addition to hating myself, i never thought i could accomplish anything. I thought id be dependent on help from the govt and my parents for the rest if my life.
I think the turning point was when i got the job at Chase Credit Cards in 2014. I answered the phones and excelled at it. My first week of training on the phones, i received 4 customer compliments. The most my trainer had ever seen in training. I was pretty excited and thought, ”wow, i might actually be good at something!”
Another turning point was when i became friends with this girl on my team. She was super bubbly and skinny. One day we were talking and she showed me pics of her before she lost weight. I looked at them and thought, “hmmm, i can do that.” I absolutely never thought I’d follow through and i was shocked when the first 6 months were over and i was still on track, losing weight. Soon i had lost 160 pounds. I did it…but couldnt give myself credit.
That in and of itself was a confidence boost. I became active, joined a rock climbing wall gym, exercised daily…i felt so good about myself
I then decided i wanted to make more money. I wanted to pay off some bills…something i never prioritized. I just let everything go to collections.
I got a second job at Starbucks and that was a game changer. I feel in love with that job. I took a paid leave from Chase, worked at Starbucks full time, paid some bills, and saved a little money.
Soon my leave was over and i dreaded going back to chase. I hated sitting on my ass all day…so i took a leap of faith, quit chase, and worked at Starbucks full time even though i made considerably less per hour.
I was voted Partner of the Quarter 3 times, promoted to shift supervisor and excelled at this job. I gave it everything i had.
I never thought id get that promotion. I never thought of myself as successful, still dont.
In 2018, i decided i wanted to be a Starbucks store manager and i worked on it everyday. In the back of my head i never thought it would happen, but something in me kept driving me forward.
In 2019, I decided i wanted to move to Portland, Oregon and by the end of the year, i was living there.
In March of 2020, i finally had an interview for assistant manager but the world shut down literally a few days before my interview and it was postponed indefinitely.
I pushed on, trying to make a name for myself…but the covid policies Starbucks put in place were too much for me and i made the decision to quit in September 2020. I never thought i would ever work there again, and being a store manager was just another unattainable goal.
I went to work at a furniture store. I thought i would fall on my ass and get fired for not being able to sell, but I actually turned out to be the number 3 seller in the entire store, selling over $1,000,000 in furniture in less than a year. I made more money than i ever had in my life at that job.
It was an extremely unfulfilling job, though, i hated it. I tried real estate but decided i hated that too.
I longed for the connections i made with my customers at Starbucks. I missed it so much. So, i applied for a store manager position, fully expecting to not get it, but I GOT IT! And after only being in the position for 7 months, im getting a raise, bonus, and my regional manager is making me the go to for the new managers when they have questions or need help.
Many people would say, oh you believed in yourself, had a good positive mental attitude, and constantly used positive affirmations, etc.
And i will tell you emphatically NO! I doubted myself the entire way. I still do! I doubt my abilities and never ever ever did i think i would get this far. Ill tell you what did get me where i am…my tenacious spirit. I just never give up. I honestly dont know how to stop trying. I wasnt ever confident, never really thought i could do it….
I see the things ive done and think, how the hell did i do this?! Fat little Mellony has accomplished the 3 major goals she set out to do. I did it. But, im still waiting for the hammer to fall, for me to screw up so bad, ill lose it all…