How Going to a Private Christian School Was the Best Thing That My Parents Did For Me
But It's Not The Reason You Probably Think
I wasn’t introduced to organized religion until I was in the 6th grade when my parents decided to send me to Christian School. Growing up, my father talked about god a lot. He quoted scripture all the time in his lectures to us kids but we rarely went to church. I think there was a few times when we went to Kingdom Hall when my father was a Jehovah’s Witness, but other than that, the only thing I knew about god was what my father taught me. So when they decided to send me to a religious school, I was a little apprehensive. I didn’t know anything about being the typical Christian but I was eager to find out. I wanted to be the very best person I could be.
The school was named Redeemer Christian School located in Mesa Arizona. There were 10 people in my 6th grade class and I honestly got the best education I could have asked for. My vocabulary increased, they taught me phonics and how to diagram sentences which helped me later in life when I studied Latin. I learned about Machiavelli and philosophy. It was challenging, yet rewarding. I loved every minute of it, until it came to Bible class.
I was so excited to learn more about god. I had the desire to learn all I could about god and being a good Christian. One of the first things I remember being taught was that doubting god and his plan was just Satan trying to make you stumble in your walk with god. There’s always a spiritual war going on for our souls and we need to wear the armor of god to protect our eternal soul. I remember that being one of the initial things I was taught that made me pause and question my teacher. It seemed so bizarre. There’s an army of unseen spirits battling for people’s souls? It was really unbelievable to me.
One day in class, my teacher, Mr Mierkey, was telling us that gods law and truths are unchanging and endure forever. Ok, that made sense to me until we started reading the bible and there’s all these passages about people owning slaves and how to treat your slave. But wait, I thought slavery was wrong, why is it in the bible and being condoned? I was assured it was just the culture of the time…at first that satisfied me, but the more I thought, the more it didn’t sit right with me. If gods law are the same from the beginning of time, why was slavery ok back then and why was there instructions in the bible on how to beat slaves? I thought this was the “inspired word of god”?
Then when we read the flood story and the story of Abraham being told to sacrifice his son. Ummm, ok so god is mad at everyone and just kills them all? How is that ok? And why would a loving god test a parent by having them tie their child down on an alter and let them get to the point of almost murdering them for him? Why would a loving god want you to cause psychological damage to your child all to prove you love him? Totally not ok, ever!
My teachers would go on and on about the Bible being the inspired word of god and that the holy spirit fills your heart. Every time they talked about it, I couldn’t help but think about other religions. They think the same thing about their holy books, why is the bible the one true book? The man in Iran reading the Quran gets filled with the same kind of hope and love, he has just as much conviction when reading his book. What makes him wrong and my religion right? How do you know what’s true if they both have the same certainty?
My 8th grade year rolls around and we watch this musical called Hi Tops. It was a play about kids wrestling with their beliefs in high school. The one person I identified with in the play was the rich snob who was mean to everyone. She felt unloved by her parents who were never around. In the play she succumbed to the devil and got into trouble and of course in the end, she accepted Jesus and he made the fact that she felt ignored by her parents all better. His love filled the hole in her heart. It was supposed to be really inspiring, but I found it confusing. How does the person I talk to in my head replace the love and affection from my parents? Talking to god in my head and reading the bible never gave me the feelings of love I received from my parents. I never felt that love from god. So to me, accepting Christ really didn’t solve her problem. I mentioned this to my class and they all tried their hardest to explain it to me, but it sounded like a bunch of talking in circles.
One day, though, I realized I was doubting god…I was doubting the god who loved me and I was sinning. I cried and begged god to forgive me. And from that point on, every time a doubt or question popped up in my head, I pushed it away. I was not going to hell because I overthink everything. But I honestly never felt forgiven and constantly worried about my soul because in the back of my mind I was questioning everything I was taught. I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t ok to use the mind god gave me?
The school closed due to financial reasons after my 9th grade year. I continued my walk with god, going to church off and on, reading the bible, begging god for help with my constant doubting of his word for years trying, so hard to be one of those people who accept everything on faith, but I just couldn’t do it. I finally gave up on religion in 2010. A lot of people in my shoes would be mad at their parents for making them go to a religious school. So many have had bad experiences in them whether it be abuse or indoctrination. I however cherish my time there. I made lifelong friends, I had teachers that supported me and genuinely wanted the best for me, I got a world class education and learned one of the most important skills, critical thinking. And even though I doubted myself in the beginning, I know now that I can rely on myself. I will forever be indebted to my parents for their sacrifice to give me the best!
*this is in no way an exhaustive list of reasons why I no longer consider myself a christian. This was just my experience from my high school years.