My second ex husband has been unemployed since January of 2022. He had the same job for over 20 years and he was let go because he was talking shit about the new owner and he found out. His temper is out of control and it finally caught up to him. Doug has not actively looked for a job since he was fired. Part of the problem is that he lacks computer skills, in fact he refuses to learn anything new. He is completely against all new technology. Personally, I think it’s because he doesn’t want to look stupid if he doesn’t understand it right away. He’s a very prideful person.
He lives 40 miles away from me in a very small town on a farm that he is trying to make money with what he “grows” however he has no definitive plan and has lived there for over 2 years and has yet to grow a thing. He does have 5 chickens and he’s trying to get enough to start selling eggs. I’m not saying he won’t eventually succeed and I certainly don’t want him to fail but right now he has nothing growing and no real direction.
My 17 year old son, Dallas, lives with him. He wanted to live on the farm with his father when he bought it and although I have legal custody, I would never begrudge my child the opportunity to live with his dad. I have some concerns about Doug and his temper, but I have never seen him lash out at his own children, just me, our dog, and my children from my first marriage.
From what I am being told from my son, he has been the one filing all the paperwork for unemployment for his dad. The newest development is that Dallas has now gotten a job at Wendy’s and is paying all the bills of the farm while his dad sits around waiting for unemployment. I am livid!!!!!!
To bring up the subject in a round about way and an attempt to find out what’s going on in Doug’s head, I texted Doug and said, “hey, I know job searching has changed a lot since you last looked for a job. If you need any help, let me know. I can get you hooked up on the newest job search sights and help you write a resume.” Texting him that was a big deal, this man scares me. When we were married he would scream and yell at me constantly or spend days at a time not even acknowledging me. He left me 200 miles away from home at a Foo Fighters concert because I was paying more attention to the band than him. He left me at my cousins wedding because as a bridesmaid I had to walk down the aisle with one of the groomsmen and I looked too happy walking next to him. One day when I was wearing makeup, he told me I looked ridiculous. He would viciously beat our dog. One day the dog peed on the floor when he came home from work. He picked her up by her collar, you could hear her choking, threw her on the floor in her pee, proceeded to wipe the pee up with her body, and then carry her by her collar and throw her outside. All of this was done in front of our children. I promptly started concocting an exit strategy after that incident. Sorry, I went off on a tangent. My point is, I’m kinda scared of him. I shouldn’t be, he can’t hurt me, but I am.
Despite being scared, I’m more concerned about my son being taken advantage of. He’s only 17. He shouldn’t be working to support his father. He should be saving for a car or spending his money on dates. After Doug received the text from me, he promptly texted me back saying that he’s tired of breaking his body for someone else (But it’s ok if Dallas does?) and he’s going to apply for disability. Um, what disability? The only disability you have is your excessive pride and explosive temper and jealousy.
This man would spend hours insulting my first husband because he didn’t work and now he’s going to live off the state? He says he’s a Libertarian but now he’s going to burden the people with his care? I get that what he does is none of my business. I’m not going to stop him from doing what he wants, but his hypocrisy knows no bounds. Furthermore, my child is involved in all of this and I want to make sure he is ok. I also can’t help but think that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would not have any problem insulting me for not working. I just see this spiraling out of control very quickly.
Part of me feels like he is depressed and feels worthless. I see a huge difference in his affect and demeanor. I know when I am not working, I feel unproductive and it affects my self esteem. I understand those feelings, but you don’t just give up. You keep fighting and moving forward and I just see him succumbing to defeat. I know it’s not my problem. I know it’s non of my business. All I can do is try to support my son and help him all I can. But I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness for Doug. Yes, he was and still is an incredible asshole, but I know how hard it is to deal with those feelings. It’s not fun and so hard to get out of the rut.
Release your pity for the fool and extract your son from that environment ASAP. You only have one year of being in control left and its vital that you use it to iron out any pain points or character flaws you can identify with him because otherwise, he'll likely have all bad habits for the rest of his life
My father died when I was 7 and I grew up with a super mother that did all she could. But she was naive to the kind of debauchery I was getting into and she also never helped me understand discipline. I understood you should brush your teeth every day but I just assumed oh well if it gets messed up I'll go to the dentist."
Little by little they rotted away and I never could afford to fix them cus my insurance only covers extraction. That line of thinking was prominent in my daily life. Now I'm 34 and my teeth are incredibly effed up and I can't just have it fixed as I cannot afford it.
Had my mother been able to help me realise the absolute self defeat my actions were going to have on me, perhaps I wouldn't have spent the past 12 years learning all of it the hardest ways on my own by nearly crashing and burning 50 times. But I digress.
She by no means did anything wrong but in hindsight, the cause and effect of certain things is what it is and I'm suggesting to you that you may want to deeply consider what else your son will need to thrive as well as getting him away from that sucker immediately. Explain to him how his father treats people and he'll see on his own that he's being used considering the context. Then he will be glas and certainly wont be mad at you or be missing anything if value since that clown isn't contributing to his growth.